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i exist (guest contribution by tina cubberley)

6/28/2015

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Picture

i exist

im sorry to say.

i know its awkward & you wish i didnt -

or at least

didnt exist so tiresomly outside the carefuly drawn lines

of all your stereotypes .

im suposed to lurk in the corner

to tell you how much change you just dropped on the floor

& that the 19th of february 1914 was a monday .

that would be mildly interesting

(curiositys should always be interesting

for five minutes at least

or whats the point of them ?)

unfortunatly

behind the cardboard cutout that smiles guilelesly

an eternal child so charmingly grateful

for neurotypical acseptanse

thers somone else.

complicated

fragile

angry

argumentativ

& actualy made of flesh & bone

- thers me .

 

& caring about me is sudenly not as simple

as putting change you can do without in a donation tin .

you hav to meet me .

ill confuse you often 

(like you confuse me, by the way ) .

im not hear to make you feel good .

Rain Man

couldnt prepare you for all the things i dont know

& all the things i know

that you wil never understand .

im sure you dont know -

motion makes me sleepy .

the taste of spices has a color .

when i could here,

loud sound was a brick wall that colapsed

on top of me .

when i say

in a crowd

my mind feels lik a curled hedgehog

closed up,

& facing the world with spines of defensive incomprehension

im sure you dont know what i mean .

 

but the dictionary told you that 'retarded'

is a medical term

(developmentaly delayed )

so thats fine .

the dictionary told you

my life never hapened .

you didnt find me in ther

when you looked up Autism

(neurological condition characterized by intelectual disability )

im not a vegan poet

with hair i cut myself

who loves curry & cartoons & spray paint

& has a tattoo on her bak .

somone who's too often sad but loves to laugh

who cooks & draws hearts with wings at the end of storys she writes

& sleeps with a greyhound's head on her shoulder .

im simply Autism .

these perfectly ok ,dictionary aproved insults

dont feel like anything to me ,

this insentient monolith .

 

i am suposed to be absent

from my own story .

i am periferal .

how dare i insist on my xistanse ?

you alredy wrote the story of Autism

acording to you

& gave me the title role .

what more do i want ?

 

i want the true story .

the one thats mine .

i want to xplain how inhabiting your world feels

somtimes

like breathing shards of glass insted of air .

i want to tell without shame

how sunlight bounses off hot metal

in car parks

to stab me lik knives.

how a breeze rakes over my skin like sandpaper

when im upset.

how when i want to tell you all these things

my tongue is made of stone

too slow to catch the stream of pictures

the river of color that turns to a handful of water

flashing & disapearing through my fingers

refusing to be words

defying translation.

 

for you to here this story

you must forget evrything you think you know

about who & why & what i am .

you must put down your dictionary

(or tear it up & burn it

preferably ).

you must listen with your heart .

 

so befor i say sorry

sorry im hear

sorry im not cute & smiley but awkwardly articulate ,

sorry i somtimes speak & somtimes cant

sorry you cant figure me out -

i think of the police intepreter who signs to me

"you should be very proud ."

& thers my story .

i write its begining when i steal your stereotype

by being me with evrything ive got .

i choose to not be sorry.

i am proud .

 

i say thank you

 to the intepreter

with an open hand like releasing a bird .

 

the words i dont say hav wings .


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    Roger Yates

    Dr. Roger Yates is a rights advocate and sociologist

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